This Day in Future

JANUARY 25, 2061
HOLLYWOOD – E. L. James made breaking news last year when she announced that another Fifty Shades of Grey film was being produced. There had been rumors about this project since James was spotted at LAX after a flight from London to Los Angeles in June of 2059. Six months later, the 96-year-old bestselling English author confirmed that production began and the film’s debut was set for January 2061.

James and Universal Studios remained tight-lipped about the picture, offering no information about the cast or plot, only releasing the title, Fifty Shades of Scars. In a genius marketing strategy, Universal released no trailer for the film and the previews for the film only displayed the title and release date. This marketing strategy apparently worked as ticket sales for theaters across the world sold out in hours. Rumors dominated social media with fans speculating that the main characters, Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele, had a child and this was the story of his or her life. Another theory was that another film had been created in 2020 but was never released. Fans everywhere were counting down to today’s premier to find out what the big mystery was, and they were not disappointed. SPOILER ALERT

Movie goers everywhere were shocked to see the original cast on the big screen. Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele were first portrayed by actors Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan in the 2015 erotic drama, Fifty Shades of Grey. The pair also starred in the sequels, Fifty Shades Darker in 2017, and Fifty Shades Freed in 2018. Over five decades later, Johnson, who is now 70, and Dornan, now 78, held nothing back during this performance. Mr. and Mrs. Grey allowed their sadomasochistic relationship unfold in theaters in true E. L. James style.
Fifty Shades
The movie begins with the couple applying moisturizer to each other’s wrinkled bodies. The couple begins to reminisce about how each scar was caused during their sexual adventures. Things begin to progress and before you know it, Mr. Grey is fumbling with a child proof prescription bottle of Viagra and Anastasia turns up the oxygen output on her tank. The couple makes their way down a long hallway then begin to argue about who had the key to the Red Room of Pain.

Once inside Anastasia drops her dentures into a glass of water and attempts to perform oral sex on Christian. Mr. Grey reminds his wife that his blood pressure medication delays the effects of Viagra, so the couple completes crossword puzzles for about 15 minutes until Christian’s groundhog sees his shadow. The sex continues but is interrupted multiple times. Anastasia couldn’t stand back up because she has bad knees and Christian can’t whip her hard enough because of his arthritis.

Just like the prior films in the series, there is more to the movie than the sex. The couple go on numerous adventures, like when they fly in their private helicopter to bingo in the city and yell at the pilot to slow down multiple times while they grip their seatbelts.

In a sad conclusion, Mr. Grey slips getting out of the shower and breaks his hip. He’s hospitalized and Anastasia doesn’t leave his side. He takes a turn for the worst after getting an infection at the hospital and is transferred to the ICU. After being told that her husband’s chances for survival are slim, Mrs. Grey goes outside for fresh air. While admiring the scenery she sticks a Werther’s Original in her mouth and looks up at the sky. This causes her to choke on the hard candy and her vision quickly goes black as she suffocates and passes away. Christian ends up making a full recovery and the film ends with Mr. Grey unlocking the door to the Red Room of Pain and walking in with his very blonde, very curvy, 20-year-old home health Nurse.

This film will make you laugh, cry, and at times dry-heave, but overall it’s the perfect movie for a date night.

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