PHARMACEUTICAL STOCK SOARS AS EASTER BECOMES NEW CHRISTMAS


-National-


PENNSYLVANIA – Easter had been traditionally known as the holiday when children would awake to find Easter baskets filled with candy and other sweets delivered by the Easter Bunny while they slept. After the kids stuff their faces with massive amounts of candy, Catholic parents would drag their hyper little heathens to Church for the longest mass of the year, right when their sugar high was at its peak. Other than parishioners giving parents dirty looks for not controlling their wild children, Easter was practically stress free.
Easter Basket
Unfortunately those days are over for many parents. Easter shopping seems to have transformed from some plastic eggs and candy to long lists of the latest toys, high-tech electronics, expensive outfits, and some candy in a basket. The Easter Bunny appears to be on the fast track to replacing Santa Clause as children’s favorite gift-giving home invader. While kids may be happy that crucifying Christ now gets them as many presents as Jesus’ birthday, parents are apparently now just as stressed for the shopping season during Lent as they are during Advent.
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HFN with shoppers at a Pennsylvania Wal-Mart who were getting some last-minute Easter shopping done. Beth Gonnely of Johnstown, was shopping for her two children, ages six and nine, and reported that she has learned to cope with extra stress. “Over the last two years I’d find myself completely miserable and stressed out trying to get everything on my shopping list. Now I just come to Wal Mart, drop the kids off at McDonald’s, pick up my prescription for nerves, and get it done,” she said.

Andy Briller, Roche Pharmaceuticals CEO, spoke about what impact the new Easter gift giving tradition has had on the company. “We have seen record increases in the number of prescriptions written for some of our more parent friendly drugs around this time of year. Valium, is one of our preferred drugs among parents.,” Briller said. Roche Pharmaceuticals stocks have increased significantly since the beginning of Lent.Roche Stock Stats_00000Wal-Mart cashier, Mark Dun told HFN, “The medicated shoppers are usually calm and polite. Once in a while you’ll find a nodder who doubled their dose, but usually there are no problems. The sober, stressed out moms are the ones who give us trouble.”

Hashtag Fake News also learned of a major marketing campaign in the works for next Easter. With Black Friday being a major success for the winter holiday, retailers intend to convert Good Friday to “Good Deal Friday” and will encourage shoppers to flock to stores to fight for the best Easter bargains. So if you want to keep up with the Jones’s next Easter, get your Valium prescription, grab your coupons, and head to Wal-Mart!

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